Being Shamelessly Judgmental of Parental Behavior, Vol. 3: Baby Girl Names to Consider

Being Shamelessly Judgmental of Parental Behavior, Vol. 3: Baby Girl Names to Consider

I’m not a parent, but as you know by now, I don’t let that stop me from having shockingly insightful opinions on parenting strategy, which I enjoy distributing freely to the world. For the record, I’d also do it if I was paid to do it, but for now, I do it freely. And I also really want more blog traffic, and parenting is a topic where I can get maximum value out of very few key words because parents are naturally anxious and tired creatures who seem to be constantly looking on the internet for things to help them parent.

Anyway, as I’ve said before, I won’t come right out and make fun of modern baby names I think are dumb publicly (making fun is always available upon request in a private setting), but I do want to make some gentle suggestions about unusual baby names you would-be parents might consider, if you want your kid to stand out. Because retro baby names are so popular these days, here are some types of retro baby girl names I think we’re all missing out on. (Yes, I have so many brilliant ideas about what you should call your child that I can only address one sex at a time.)

Stripper Names of Yore. Remember back in the 90’s when you’d kick back and relax at a low-class strip club? Me neither, but I’m told it was a real blast. Hop in your time machine and consider names like Tawny, or Tiffany. These are real classics, in their own way. No one says how retro you need to go. Who needs Sophia when you can have a baby girl named Crystal? And you’re really setting your little Brandy up for a lifetime of exceptional individuality. Her name will be unusual in this day and age, and plus, she’s going to make so much money giving lap dances when she’s older. Just kidding. Maybe. I mean, her name is Brandy.

But look how much she enjoys her job!

Legit Grandma Names. People are starting to choose pseudo-grandma names for their little girls, but like what they wish their grandma’s name was. Names like Elaine, Harriett, and Nora are truly beautiful, but you know your grandma’s name is actually Ethel. It’s time to stop pretending, and just go ahead and name your baby girl Doris after your Mamaw. It’ll make her so happy! Embrace the monikers of the blue haired in your life. There won’t be another little Agatha in her kindergarten class, I can assure you.

Grandma needs all the cheering up she can get 

Still not retro enough for you? If your baby name list still says

  1. Amelia
  2. Harper

Then I have one more idea that may help you through this.

Names of Things in Your House. Take it back to how Native Americans used to do it. Pick something you can see, maybe in your kitchen, and lock it in like it means something really important to you. Name your little girl Paprika. Commit to it and act confident, and little Paprikas, Avocados, and Tofurkeys will be popping up left and right in a few years. Just walk around your house and make a list of possibilities. Little Ibuprofen might be frustrated when she can’t find a souvenir keychain with her name on it, but she’ll thank you later in life. Again, this may seem absurd, but all you need to do is hold your head high and set the trend… and maybe teach your child how to defend herself.

Inspiring, no?

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