I’m lucky to have a job that allows me to work at home most days, and when I do need to go into the office, it’s just a quick fifteen minute drive away. I get to avoid a lot of the road rage that other people are stuck with Monday through Friday, week after week. I have precious (okay, terrible) memories of my years as a commuter to share with you eventually–try to be patient, I know it’s exciting–but today I would like to share some insight about the drivers I do still encounter regularly. I’m talking about the types of people I see in the parking lot at Target. There are three primary offenders I’ve identified so far, in my travels.
- Slow Backer: This is a tiny woman in a giant SUV, who is finished shopping and is easing out of a Target parking space with so much care that it takes a full ten seconds, and usually involves a lot of dramatic head turning and twisting of her body in order to peer behind her as she inches backward. Ten seconds might not sound at first like a lot of seconds in the great scheme of things, but go ahead and count to ten and see how long it is… 3, 4, yep, keep going, 5, 6, 7… and now it’s basically been an hour since we last spoke. How’ve you been? But seriously, what could that Slow Backer possibly be looking for? Are those four rows of seats obstructing her line of sight that much? Or is she concerned about running over tiny invisible insects? I personally think she lost the right to care about the environment when she got that enormous SUV. Today’s Target purchases: Set of useless antique candle holders, women’s multivitamins.
- Back-In-Er: A guy who holds up all other cars to stop and ease back into an open Target parking space instead of just parking front-ways like a normal person, presumably to save himself the two precious seconds it takes to back out when he’s ready to head over to GNC for his protein shake supplements. And even though you know this guy backs into every space everywhere, because he’s a giant douche, it always feels like this is the first time he’s attempted to be a Back-In-Er, because of how much he sucks at it. He tries to back in, fails to line himself up properly, pauses for a few seconds, slowly inches forward, tries again, and then keeps at it while a dozen cars wait on him to get over himself already. Today’s purchases: These sunglasses, some red and black mandals, this bottle of Impression of Calvin Klein’s Eternity by Perfect Scents.
- Parking Spot Shopper: A person who will sneak up on you, because anyone could be a Parking Spot Shopper. Often, you’ll be accompanying a perfectly sane friend to Target in their car and realize that they are a major Parking Spot Shopper. This is the man or woman who circles the parking lot again and again at 2 miles per hour, their hands firmly positioned at 10 and 2, mouth set in a firm line of determination, as they look for any sign of a car near the store’s entrance that may be leaving so they can swoop in. They will not settle for a spot in the back of the parking lot, or even in the middle of the parking lot. They will do anything to avoid walking that additional 20 feet, even if it takes an extra five minutes to find that perfect spot. Today’s purchases: a shit ton of Diet Coke, expensive yoga mat because the doctor said to exercise. Note: When a Parking Spot Shopper is cosmically paired with a Slow Backer, you will want to kill yourself. When a Parking Spot Shopper also happens to be a Back-In-Er, just go ahead and leave Target, and try your luck at Wal-Mart.
Honorable Mentions: On-the-Phone Ignorers. I Think I’ll Proudly Let My Toddler Take Ten Minutes to Walk to the Entrance Instead of Carrying Him Quickly-Ers.
We all need to go to Target from time to time, or in my case, three times each week. Because sometimes you need wine and cat litter on Monday, vegetarian chicken nuggets on Thursday, and more
wine cat litter on Friday. So try to be more of a Swift Trunk Loader or a Generous Lane Sharer. Or maybe (we all will thank you) an Amazon Primer.