There are certain things you parents do that really make me tired, and as I mentioned before, I feel pretty comfortable judging parental behavior. To a point. I mean, I’m not the type to be like, “I feel that the Montessori style of learning may not fit well with Junior’s penchant for eating crayons.” I may (okay, will) think it, but I’d only ever say it behind your back. Anyway, I’d like to address social media mom behavior number two:
Posting milestones in which you project impossible emotions onto your baby. Your child is three months old. You celebrate the big day by posing said child with a large stuffed animal and a Pinteresty-looking sign that proudly announces, “I’m three months old!” You include with this photo a list of things you’ve decided your baby loves or hates, as though the baby has pulled you aside and made you aware of his preferences himself. Example: “I’m three months old! I love watching Bubble Guppies, sleeping, and keeping my Mommy on her toes!”
First of all, that child did not make that sign. Who do you think you’re fooling? And second, we know the kid is completely non-verbal, Mom. He doesn’t care that he’s three months old, or have any concept of numbers. I bet even I could add and subtract better than him. Sure, he’s drawn to the bright shapes he sees on that TV you plopped his immobile body in front of, but you may as well put Scarface on for him. He might learn something about life on the mean streets of Miami. Tell him it’s baby powder.
Important note, in conclusion: this shameless judgment of parental behavior doesn’t apply to any obviously exaggerated emotions you project publicly onto your child for my own amusement. In fact, do this more. Example: “I’m three months old! I prefer bourbon to scotch, and enjoy binge-watching The Wire with my wife Linda when I’m not crunching numbers! #accountantlife.”