Being Shamelessly Judgmental of Parental Behavior, Vol. 1

Being Shamelessly Judgmental of Parental Behavior, Vol. 1

I want to make fun of modern baby names more than anything. But I’m not brave enough to make fun of modern baby names, even though I happen to have strong feelings on that particular topic. The problem is that some friend of mine, or maybe a publisher who thinks I’m the funniest and wants to Venmo me one million dollars ASAP (that’s how book deals work, right?) will happen to have a kid named Laeykynn, and will get hurt feelings. So I’ll keep quiet about that for now and make sure to include a chapter about it in my first book, once I’m rich enough to buy new friends.

Luckily, I am brave enough to make fun of some social media mom behaviors! I hear that you parent-types love when The Childless make fun of you. Since I have so many judgmental things to share, I’ll dole them out one at a time. Behavior number one:

When you post basically the same photos of your infant every single day for so many days on end. I know you love your new baby, and I appreciate getting to see a photo every now and then. I’m probably genuinely curious about your offspring (even if I don’t like you). But when you post three photos of your sleeping infant on Wednesday, and then do it again the next day and also the next day, oh and then you post some more sleeping infant photos the next day, I begin to question your sanity. How are you not aware that your child looks the same in every photo for several weeks after he or she is born? Kid’s not even smiling yet, and he’s definitely not doing anything interesting. I’d bet my million dollar book deal advance on that. Switch up the backgrounds for us, or something. Add a loving family dog, a jaunty hat, or a onesie that says “Got Milk?”

In short, do more of this. Do less of this:

Wednesday 9 AM: Check out my new baby!
Wednesday 1 PM: Omg look!
Wednesday 6 PM: Little Laeykynn!
 

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