Ten Steps to Success: Sporadic, Low-Impact Exercise

Ten Steps to Success: Sporadic, Low-Impact Exercise

So an hour has passed since you ate six cookies and a slice of American cheese, huh? Do you feel slightly guilty, and wish there was some way to feel good about yourself? Has it been three days since your last exertion? You’ve come to the right place. Follow these instructions and you’ll feel superior to others again in no time.

  1. Announce to someone nearby that you really feel like going on a run, even though this is a lie.
  2. As you get dressed in your workout gear, casually comment that you still feel super sore from the last time you exercised. Sigh, as though vaguely concerned for your health. This will assist in setting others’ expectations for the frequency of your workouts.
    Stretching dramatically helps to convey a vested interest in your health
  3. Run as fast as you can once you’re outside, with a serious expression on your face, and then slow down to a walk as soon as you are on the next street over.
  4. Walk for 10 minutes, looking for good songs to listen to when exercising. If a car passes, wipe your brow as if you have only just paused for a brief respite. Solemnly check your Fitbit to review your progress. Smile tiredly at the driver.
  5. Jog halfheartedly for 3 or 4 minutes, or until you approach a residence where a friendly neighbor happens to be outside.
  6. Stop on the sidewalk near the neighbor, bending over as if exhausted. Look surprised and slightly guilty when you “notice” the neighbor. Shrug as if to say, “I know, I know. I should give myself a break. But that’s just not how I do business.”
  7. When you’re beyond the neighbor’s house, walk for 10 minutes. Repeat step number 6 if the opportunity arises.
  8. When you are approximately one minute from home, sprint as fast as you can and burst through the front door, breathing hard and smiling broadly.
  9. Remind whoever is around that you have “an unusually high heart rate” and you hate that you must limit your exercise to thirty minutes. Appear regretful. This should encourage someone bringing you a celebratory cocktail.
  10. IMPORTANT: Don’t forget to post on social media that you have exercised. Be liberal with the exclamation marks.

If you’re unsuccessful the first time you try sporadic, low-impact exercise, don’t give up. You now possess the tools to succeed. Practice your excuses. Try new and exciting ways of looking tired from a distance. And most importantly, fight the urge to run fast, unless someone’s watching.

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